The End of Our Marriage, The Beginning of a New Journey

I still remember the day we met. I first noticed your captivating smile, which was both lustful and sweet. You were beautiful, funny, and smart. We talked for hours that night, and I knew that I had found someone special. It was a wistful first encounter—we even decided to end our day in prayer. A moment I only experienced with you.

We started dating soon after, and I was smitten and quickly fell in love. I saw my future flash before my eyes. I saw us growing old together. I saw us traveling the world and building a life with each other. I saw us being happy. We were inseparable. We couldn't imagine our lives without each other.

A few months later, because of a very unconventional circumstance, we decided to get married. I wasn't sure if the marriage was for the right reasons, but for me, it didn’t matter. I just wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. At that time, I just felt so lucky and blessed to have found who I believed was my soulmate. Not everyone in your family agreed, but I fought for you, I fought for what I believed was right. I fought for our love.

March 17, 2020. It was a very gloomy day for the entire world. Nations were shutting down. Deaths were everywhere. But for me, it didn’t feel tragic. It was the happiest day of my life. You were the hope that filled the darkness of what was happening to the world, my world. 

Our marriage was a beautiful yet imperfect union of two unique souls. We were different in so many ways, but our differences only made us stronger. I left my old life behind to be with you. I gave up everything imaginable to follow you to the ends of the earth. I didn't have a second thought about it. I was willing to do whatever it took to be with you. We argued, of course, as all couples do. But we also made up, and our love for each other only grew stronger as the conflicts were resolved. We laughed together, cried together, and supported each other through thick and thin. We were a team, and we always had each other's backs. 

One of the biggest problems in our marriage was that we were at different stages of maturity. I was always the more mature one, and I think that put a lot of strain on our relationship. I was always trying to be the responsible one, and I was always trying to make sure that everything was taken care of. But you were still at a phase in your life where all you cared about was living life carefreely. You were always more interested in having fun than you were in taking care of our responsibilities. And your mindset wasn't wrong. You're not a bad person either. You just have a different way of looking at the world than I do. I think that our different levels of maturity were just too much for our marriage to handle.

Marrying you was equally fulfilling and challenging. I always put your needs before my own, and I never asked for anything in return. I did it because I loved you, and I wanted to make you happy. But what happened to us made me realize that while selflessness feels good, you cannot pour from an empty cup. I was so focused on taking care of you that I forgot to take care of myself. I was exhausted, stressed, and resentful. I didn't have anything left to give. This doesn’t mean I regret having done all these for you. I still believe in putting others before myself. But this time around, I'm also going to make sure that I take care of myself first. I'm going to make sure that my cup is full before I try to pour into someone else's.

After the separation, I secretly hated you. I hated you for the trauma you caused me. I hated you for the way you made me feel. I hated you for the way you destroyed our marriage. I hated you for causing my mental health to go haywire. I hated you for making me think of no other solution but to take the big sleep. I was heartbroken. I felt betrayed, lost, and alone. I didn't know how I was going to go on without you. But slowly, I started to heal. I began to focus on myself and my own needs. I started to take care of myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. And as I healed, I started to realize that I was stronger than I thought I was. I was capable of surviving without you. I now understand that what happened was inevitable, even if it was painful. I still don't want to talk to or see you, but I have finally come to a place of peace and forgiveness. I no longer harbor any ill will towards you, and I genuinely hope that you are in a good place now or that you may find happiness and fulfillment in your life.

I still miss you—us—every day. I miss your smile, your laugh, and your touch. I miss the way you annoyed me. I miss the way you bossed me around. I miss spending time with people that matter to you. I miss everything about you. Or about us. But I know that we can never be together again. And I'm okay with that. I've learned to accept what happened, and I've moved on. 

I'm grateful for the time we had together. I'm grateful for the love we shared. I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned. Somehow, I'm a better person because of you.… I know that what happened was not because of the absence of love. It’s clear that it was necessary. I needed to grow. I needed to love myself more. I needed to embrace that important ounce of selfishness so I can listen to my needs more intently.

I will always have a special place in my heart for you. You will always be a part of me. Even when we are just ships passing in the night, I will never forget you and what we had.

Now, the pain has subsided. It was a grueling process but I have moved on, and it is time to close this chapter—a chapter that we can opt to revisit when melancholy calls for it. Ready or not, it is time to turn the page and marvel at the sky of dreams over us.

Fixing your partner's insecurities is not your job. But there are things you can do to tackle them.

It may be good to give your partner a surprise gift every so often. Taking him or her to a random date at a nearby park can be sweet. But sometimes, what your partner really needs is just a confidence boost. Because believe it or not, even the most confident person in the world can feel insecure. 

A deep sense of security is fundamental in a loving—and hopefully long-lasting—relationship. While this is said to be basic, giving your partner the sense of security he or she needs can be a little challenging. 

There’s always a reason why your partner is showing signs of neediness and possessiveness. Good news.. These feelings are fleeting. They come and go. What your partner feels now may no longer be the same tomorrow. As a loving partner, it is your duty to find out why he or she feels this way and eventually come up with a game plan to help address this.

In case you’re wondering, I’ve put together some very ruminative ways on how to make your partner feel more secure:

1. Make your partner feel the so-called sense of inclusion.

Introduce your partner to your family and friends. As you welcome your partner into your life, make him or her feel that you truly are proud of what you share. Don’t forget to be on top of the situation. Your partner agreed to go with you in a non-neutral ground. You should always keep in mind that it is absolutely important for you to usher him or her in your circle. You do not want your partner to end up being a wallflower just because you failed to do proper introductions.

You should also include him or her in your future plans. The primary reason why you both chose to be in a serious relationship is longevity. Making your partner feel (as though) he or she is a part of your future will exemplify how serious you are with the relationship. This, I tell you, will definitely hit a home run. 

2. Be private.

Let your partner feel that he or she can trust you by making sure that your arguments, differences in opinions, and secrets remain just between the two of you. Others’ involvement in your personal issues is totally unnecessary, counterproductive, and devastating.

3. Do not leave your partner guessing.

It is important to not leave your partner hanging. Do not wait for hours or days before you respond to his or her messages or pick up his or her calls. When you're busy, tell him or her. When you're not in the mood to talk, communicate that. It sure does not feel good to be left in the dark.

4. Show support for your partner’s endeavors.

In some of your random conversations, you get to find out what his or her interests are. Encourage your partner to take part in activities that he or she is enraptured by. It might even be a better idea to join your partner in any or all of these activities even when you are not totally passionate about them. 

Supporting your partner also covers setting individual (emotional and financial) goals and meeting them. Give your partner the assurance that 20 to 30 years down the road, you will still be having a great time together, living an emotionally and financially stable life you both created for each other. 

6. Compliment when there’s an opportunity.

A foolproof way of making your partner feel special is giving sincere and genuine compliments here and there. Tell him or her how beautiful he or she is. Compliment his or her wit. Acknowledge the wisdom behind his or her judgment. Remind your partner why you chose to be with him or her—that quality which made him or her stand out. Sounds easy and petty but these tricks go a long way. 

It is also a very effective tactic for you to recognize your partner’s insecurities and compliment them for that. Getting compliments about what he or she considers an insecurity is a great way to build your partner’s self-esteem. Doing this will help your partner feel appreciated. A wholehearted compliment leaves little to no room for resentment.

7. Quit the mind games, talk it out, and answer questions.

Mind games are downright infantile. When in a relationship, the least you need is a juvenile partner who is zealous about his playbook. 

Communication is a key element to any relationship. The lack of it is the nub to most, if not all, of relationship problems. Whenever you feel your partner shows signs of insecurity, talk it out. Take the initiative to start the conversation and try to pick his or her brain. There’s no better way of understanding what’s going on than by assessing the situation yourselves. In order to reap the maximum benefits of communication, be mindful of timing. You don’t wanna add to your partner’s distress by insisting on talking about his, her, or your insecurity after a long day at work or after noticing his or her very apparent annoyance. 

Additionally, your partner may have a ton of questions about things. Be patient enough to answer each and every one of them. Sometimes, your partner asks you questions not because they don’t know the answer but because they wanna be reaffirmed and appeased. This is perfectly normal.

8. Do not give your partner a reason to doubt you, and that includes entertaining advances from anyone.

When you decided to be in a relationship, you took on the responsibility to stay away from anything and everything that will hurt your partner, including cheating, dishonesty, and withholding the truth. Instinctively, trust is given until one finds a reason to cease giving it. That is what we wanna avoid.

Also.. Being friendly is inevitable. Flirting is not. Drawing the line between the two is not really that hard to determine—if you only try hard enough. Be mature enough to learn how to straightforwardly and politely decline even the slightest hint of flirting from anyone.

Sure, you may think that the person you made eye-to-eye contact with in the supermarket is cute. But as a discerning partner, you should outrightly dismiss this distraction and focus on the more valuable things. The least you wanna do is disrespect your partner—intentionally or not.

9. Past is past and focus on the now.

A hangup from an ex, a what-if with an almost-but-never-was, or whatever it is that will make him or her feel that you’re stuck in the past—all of these should be buried in the deepest abyss of your mind and totally forgotten. You should move on from all these impertinent things of the past and draw 99% of your attention to what’s more important: the magical relationship you have with the person who loves you so much and is willing to climb mountains just to be with you. 

When you accept people in your lives, you also learn to accept their unpleasant side and insecurities. Accepting their insecurities means you are also accepting the role you can play to positively deal with them. While it is said that fixing your partner’s insecurities is certainly not your responsibility, doing something to help him or her feel more secure is.

In order for your relationship to flourish, you should deliberately shun all the things that contribute to your partner’s insecurities and be more than committed to carry out the significant promises you made before each other. A relationship is not happy by default. You make it the way you want it to be. 

[Image from PowerofPositivity.com]

Trust me, it's okay to be clingy and intense.

Now that I’m done with graduate school, I realized I now have the luxury of time to meet people and date. Dating someone new is especially thrilling: the blindingly bright future, the peculiarly electrifying uncertainty, the obnoxiously cute attachment. Don’t we all just love how relationships typically begin?

As you get to know each other better, you focus your attention on this new person. You slowly (and unknowingly) tear down the sturdy wall you built—the same wall you intended to safeguard your frailties. While this can be magical, razing this wall to the ground can be a little too scary. Exposing yourself to unpredictability can either result to sheer bliss or irreparable mayhem. Surely rattling but worth it.

Wherever my dating life leads me, I usually just try to enjoy the process and bask in the moment. In the course of time, and with the help of my prying friends, I think I’ve already figured out what works for me when I involve myself with someone. Is it being too clingy (like how I am to my date)? Is it the intensity? Case by case, but you bet.

Unfortunately for me (us?), dating is bound by etiquette—a subjective, arbitrary list of dos and don’ts. To illustrate, sex after the first date. If two people truly hit it off after a fancy dinner, sex can be the perfect night cap. But some may label this as absurd and will easily cast aspersions on either or both parties. The relativity of how things can be construed is very confusing. Are we here to subscribe to vague conventions? Or are we all about pleasuring ourselves in ways not-so normative?  

Assuming there’s a follow through. Communication is constant. The effort is there as well. You inadvertently show deep desire and all of a sudden, you feel like you’re intensely hooked on this stranger. Interpreted as weakness, clinginess picks up its age-old reputation of a baleful manifestation of a failed relationship. We tend to paint a gloomy picture when talking about overeager love—or whatever it is. This, for most parts, simply isn’t fair. A relationship’s success should not be pinned on one’s decision to take the fast lane instead of taking it step-by-step. For me, it’s all about the varying degrees of attachment each one of us is sensitive to. One’s collective dating pattern may be a good basis in determining whether or not hyperintimacy at the onset will result to something favorable. This, however, is not foolproof.

I’m clingy. I'm intense. Marupok as hell. And I don’t think I should apologize for being so. It is not necessarily a bad thing. I believe being clingy and intense’s about being authentic. It’s about showing what you truly feel. It is about giving your all amid the risks. In fact, I can imagine my most amazing relationship right now, and that is with someone as clingy and intense as (I think) I am.

So when does an amazing relationship happen? It happens when the both of you breezily delete dating and hookup apps the moment you imagine having a great future together. It happens when the both of you send clear signals that you wanna date and get to know each other better without intentions of just messing around. It happens when the both of you trumpet each other to family and friends because, guess what, you both want your circles overlapped. It happens when the both of you treat responses to text messages as urgent because that’s just how excited you are to share your days' stories. It happens when the both of you yearn to spend quality time with each other despite hectic schedules. Ultimately, an amazing relationship happens when the both of you do not care about looking foolish in front of each other because you both know what genuine connection can do to you.

I don’t really mind being clingy and intense—if that means being true to myself and expressing what my heart feels. I figured a rapt and positive appreciation of such clinginess and intensity can be the right context for something propitious. 

So, hey, you. Come. Let’s be clingy and intense with each other. Regardless of where this will lead us to.

[Image from: Very Well Family]