I still remember the day we met. I first noticed your captivating smile, which was both lustful and sweet. You were beautiful, funny, and smart. We talked for hours that night, and I knew that I had found someone special. It was a wistful first encounter—we even decided to end our day in prayer. A moment I only experienced with you.
We started dating soon after, and I was smitten and quickly fell in love. I saw my future flash before my eyes. I saw us growing old together. I saw us traveling the world and building a life with each other. I saw us being happy. We were inseparable. We couldn't imagine our lives without each other.
A few months later, because of a very unconventional circumstance, we decided to get married. I wasn't sure if the marriage was for the right reasons, but for me, it didn’t matter. I just wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. At that time, I just felt so lucky and blessed to have found who I believed was my soulmate. Not everyone in your family agreed, but I fought for you, I fought for what I believed was right. I fought for our love.
March 17, 2020. It was a very gloomy day for the entire world. Nations were shutting down. Deaths were everywhere. But for me, it didn’t feel tragic. It was the happiest day of my life. You were the hope that filled the darkness of what was happening to the world, my world.
Our marriage was a beautiful yet imperfect union of two unique souls. We were different in so many ways, but our differences only made us stronger. I left my old life behind to be with you. I gave up everything imaginable to follow you to the ends of the earth. I didn't have a second thought about it. I was willing to do whatever it took to be with you. We argued, of course, as all couples do. But we also made up, and our love for each other only grew stronger as the conflicts were resolved. We laughed together, cried together, and supported each other through thick and thin. We were a team, and we always had each other's backs.
One of the biggest problems in our marriage was that we were at different stages of maturity. I was always the more mature one, and I think that put a lot of strain on our relationship. I was always trying to be the responsible one, and I was always trying to make sure that everything was taken care of. But you were still at a phase in your life where all you cared about was living life carefreely. You were always more interested in having fun than you were in taking care of our responsibilities. And your mindset wasn't wrong. You're not a bad person either. You just have a different way of looking at the world than I do. I think that our different levels of maturity were just too much for our marriage to handle.
Marrying you was equally fulfilling and challenging. I always put your needs before my own, and I never asked for anything in return. I did it because I loved you, and I wanted to make you happy. But what happened to us made me realize that while selflessness feels good, you cannot pour from an empty cup. I was so focused on taking care of you that I forgot to take care of myself. I was exhausted, stressed, and resentful. I didn't have anything left to give. This doesn’t mean I regret having done all these for you. I still believe in putting others before myself. But this time around, I'm also going to make sure that I take care of myself first. I'm going to make sure that my cup is full before I try to pour into someone else's.
After the separation, I secretly hated you. I hated you for the trauma you caused me. I hated you for the way you made me feel. I hated you for the way you destroyed our marriage. I hated you for causing my mental health to go haywire. I hated you for making me think of no other solution but to take the big sleep. I was heartbroken. I felt betrayed, lost, and alone. I didn't know how I was going to go on without you. But slowly, I started to heal. I began to focus on myself and my own needs. I started to take care of myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. And as I healed, I started to realize that I was stronger than I thought I was. I was capable of surviving without you. I now understand that what happened was inevitable, even if it was painful. I still don't want to talk to or see you, but I have finally come to a place of peace and forgiveness. I no longer harbor any ill will towards you, and I genuinely hope that you are in a good place now or that you may find happiness and fulfillment in your life.
I still miss you—us—every day. I miss your smile, your laugh, and your touch. I miss the way you annoyed me. I miss the way you bossed me around. I miss spending time with people that matter to you. I miss everything about you. Or about us. But I know that we can never be together again. And I'm okay with that. I've learned to accept what happened, and I've moved on.
I'm grateful for the time we had together. I'm grateful for the love we shared. I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned. Somehow, I'm a better person because of you.… I know that what happened was not because of the absence of love. It’s clear that it was necessary. I needed to grow. I needed to love myself more. I needed to embrace that important ounce of selfishness so I can listen to my needs more intently.
I will always have a special place in my heart for you. You will always be a part of me. Even when we are just ships passing in the night, I will never forget you and what we had.
Now, the pain has subsided. It was a grueling process but I have moved on, and it is time to close this chapter—a chapter that we can opt to revisit when melancholy calls for it. Ready or not, it is time to turn the page and marvel at the sky of dreams over us.
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